Alexis Yelvington: [00:00:00] Welcome. Here at the Bush Institute, we have been highlighting pluralism in action and some great examples of it. We are so glad to be joined by Becca Kearl, Executive Director of Living Room Conversations. We’ll go ahead and jump in and just let you start off by telling us a little bit about yourself and your organization.
Becca Kearl: Thanks for having me. I’m really glad to be here. So, I discovered fairly early on that I love the idea of community and, in my various work with special ed, English as a second language, working with women and children who had survived domestic violence, that every social issue is inherently a community issue. And in those communities, there are very real people who are impacted by these social and political issues. And so, I came to realize that, in order for us to better care for one another and actually move some of these issues forward, we need to know each other, and we need to better understand our communities.
And that really drew me to Living Room Conversations. Living Room Conversations was started in 2010 with this idea that in order to strengthen communities and society, we need to be in better relationship with each other. And relationship building comes through really being able to see and hear one another. And so, we created this dialogue model that could be massively scalable and accessible; this idea that anyone can do this.
And so, we were very thoughtful about the structure that we put into our conversation model. And what it allows people to do is to sort of give their backstories. So, if you’re thinking of a hot button issue like the Second Amendment and guns, our first question is: “what role have guns played in your life? Where did you learn about guns and from who?” Because of the place that we are in right now, where we’re feeling more isolated, where we’re feeling more politically divided, I believe in great part is because we focus too much on our opinions, what we think we should and shouldn’t do, who’s right and who’s wrong, who’s to blame, rather than “what does this actually look like in someone’s life and in their community?”
And so, by asking these questions, we’re tapping into people’s stories, and our stories are infinitely more interesting than our opinions. And it gets us out of a defensive posture, and it helps us try to relate to each other and understand each other. And I think that’s really the key in a thriving pluralistic society, is that we can see each other, we can look behind the groups that we belong to and see people as individuals. And the best way to do that is really by understanding their story and where they come from. And one of the most simple tools to do that is through conversation and dialogue.
Alexis Yelvington: That’s so great to hear. I think a lot of times, people say this about conversations, building community, but it’s a little bit tougher than it sounds for a lot of people. Can you say what Living Room Conversations’ secret-sauce is to make that happen and the models you build and when you see it work when people are using these models?
Becca Kearl: That’s a great question. Community is such an interesting concept. It’s very dynamic. So, at some points in my life, I can see my community as just my family and friends. At some points, it can be my whole city. At some points, it can be the entire country. And so that’s always changing. I think that, what the through line is, is a sense of belonging: “I belong here and I can make a difference.”
And so, I think what we’ve done with our resources, we sort of operate on three different levels. So, on the first level, we have a library of over 150 topic guides that anyone can use. So, this idea that if you’re thinking you might want to dip your toe into this and you’re not sure where to start, we have a really low-barrier, proven conversation model that anyone can use. And then, at the next level, we work deeply in communities with community leaders. So, libraries, faith communities, civic groups, campuses, places where a community leader will say, “I really want to create a sense of community where I stand.” And so, they’ll develop a regular practice of using Living Room Conversations. And it works really well, both to help create this sense of belonging as well as address some issues in a way that brings people together rather than divides them. And so, those are some of the ways that we see people building community and using our resources.
Alexis Yelvington: Can you tell us a little bit about why the church centers or libraries, these community centers are the places that are reaching out and wanting to have tools for these conversations?
Becca Kearl: Yeah, I think there are sort of 2 different reasons why they’re great resources and also great leaders in bringing these resources to their communities. One is: these are places where we socialize and where we are socialized. So, we learn about cultural and social norms in schools, in our faith communities. Libraries are a fantastic resource because their patronage is so diverse. It’s one of the few places where we still regularly have contact with people who have different socioeconomic backgrounds. There are free resources. It’s neutral territory or neutral ground. People feel welcome and comfortable in a library. And so, it’s a really great convener. And then also, in the way that they serve the community, it makes a lot of sense for them to bring these resources in.
I would say with specific civic groups, it often aligns very well with their missions. And across the board with all of these institutions, it aligns with their missions of bringing people together. But yeah, those are the places where we learn norms. And so, in a way, they have to be involved in reinforcing pluralistic norms for us to have that be the norm. Where you learn the norms is where you can shift the norms. And so, it’s critical for them to be involved, makes a lot of sense mission-wise, and then they’re just places where the community gathers anyway.
Alexis Yelvington: I think that’s really cool. Do you have a favorite example of a group that has used your models or resources and implemented it?
Becca Kearl: There are a few different ones. What’s exciting to me really is that our model is just one sheet of paper, front and back. And it’s the bare minimum of what you need to have a successful conversation. And then people utilize that in a lot of different ways.
So, for example, there was a faith community in Boise, and they started using Living Room Conversations. And, even if you have a large group, a Living Room Conversation works best in a group of 4 to 6 people. And so, they had small tables set up in their main meeting area. And they liked it so much that they left it for Sunday sermons. So, there was the pastor preaching from the pulpit and people are still at these small tables to reinforce this idea that “we’re a community, we’re together, we’re sitting at these round tables.” And they asked the congregation, the leaders asked the congregation, “what’s the one topic that maybe we’re shying away from that you would love to be able to talk about?” And they said they wanted to be able to talk about abortion. And so, they reached out to us, and we worked together to create a guide on abortion.
And they were the first group to try it out. And afterwards, there were people in tears saying, you know, “I never thought I’d be able to talk about this in a group and I felt so cared for and I felt so loved and I was able to share my story” and on both sides of the issue, there was just this sense of a weight being lifted, like finding a way to be able to talk about this stuff that maybe is in the news all of the time, but finding a better way to talk about it that doesn’t require you to be a policy wonk, or to back down from your opinion, or to change the way you feel about things, but just to add more nuance to it. And I think that’s pretty typical of what we see in a lot of places. Another story would be in East Hartford, Connecticut. In 2020, the library decided to hold a conversation around race, and the conversation went really well, and there were people there who were stakeholders in the community who wanted it to keep going. They developed a residence advisory council that used Living Room Conversations. They trained some parents at the local school to use Living Room Conversations.
There’s a school-based health care center there who also decided this would be a great way to help us address the issue of mental health among youth. And so, they’ve developed a student health ambassador program where students can have conversations with peers, with their parents and family, and then with a broader community.
And so, I love how it happens most often is that one person takes a chance and says, “let’s try this out in our community.” And then it starts to organically spread because a lot of times- well, the research shows us that- we’re overwhelmingly willing to connect with people across lines of difference.
But the two biggest barriers are lack of opportunity and then sort of this feeling of “I’m not qualified” or “I’m not sure I could do it” or “I’m not confident enough to do it.” And so, once you’re able to sort of experience it, just once, it demystifies it. It’s like, “oh, actually we’re just answering questions and we’re sitting in a circle, like having a conversation with each other. I’m learning so much about others and their stories and this is something that I can do.”
Alexis Yelvington: That’s really cool to hear about. And it seems like people kind of really crave those resources. It’s great that they can be used in so many different scenarios. A lot of people are very skeptical about this work. I think the general climate makes people skeptical to it. What would you say to those people?
Becca Kearl: There was a recent report published by More in Common called the Connection Opportunity, and it highlights some of the hesitancy that we have. And there are other statistics – honestly, quite frankly, alarming statistics – out there: like that 16% of Americans don’t feel a strong connection to their community or have strong relationships, or 15% of Republicans and 20% of Democrats think we’d be better off if large numbers of the opposite party just died. And I feel like that’s what’s in the news, is this feeling of being hopelessly divided. And when you feel that weight of this national narrative, it’s really hard to see yourself as a change maker, as able to make a difference. But that Connection Opportunity Report showed that 75% of Americans feel a moral responsibility to connect across differences. And the majority of them think that our differences aren’t so great that we can’t bridge them.
So, there’s this distance between what we hear and see nationally and what we feel in our hearts; that we want to be more united; we’re tired of being divided. And so, we recently in the last year changed our mission statement, and now it’s “building a better world, one conversation at a time.” And when you can look at those small increments, that one conversation at a time, that one connection at a time, you can create what More in Common referred to as “connection cascades.” So, once you do it once, you’re more willing to do it again. And the biggest driver in- the biggest finding I think from that report was that once you perceive other people are invested in doing it, you’re more willing to do it yourself.
And so, I think it really is just that one conversation, and then you tell your friends and family about it, or you talk to the local librarian about hosting it. That’s very much what I did in my own community that led me to the work and the role that I have now was just this idea that “I want to feel a part of my community, and there are some things I think that we should be talking about.” And it quite literally led me to where I am today.
Alexis Yelvington: That is very encouraging to hear about. And since so many people are wanting to reach across those lines, what advice would you give to an aspiring pluralist?
Becca Kearl: I think the single best thing that you can do is start to replace judgment with curiosity. I think that it’s impossible for us as human beings not to judge. That’s what our brains are wired for. But, it is possible for us to suspend judgment and replace it with curiosity. Even if it’s just “I wonder why Alexis said that. I wonder what her experience is with this issue.” And just engaging that wondering and then asking a question like, “where have you seen that come up in your life? Do you have any experience around this issue? Can I share an experience that I’ve had around this issue? That gets you from this more defensive, opinionated space into this personal space where you’re naturally going to bridge and build connection and understanding.”
Alexis Yelvington: Thank you so much for sharing that. The last question I’ll ask you is, it sounds like Living Room Conversations has great resources, which you’ve talked about, and is doing some really great work. How can our viewers stay connected to the work y’all are doing?
Becca Kearl: You can go to livingroomconversations.org, and you can access our library of resources. We give additional support for community leaders who are wanting to do this. And we also have an online course called Connecting Through Conversation, where we highlight what are these core skills like empathy, and curiosity and dialogue and collaborative problem solving and all of the things that kind of help us to better engage in a pluralistic society.
Alexis Yelvington: Thank you so much, Becca, for visiting with us today. We were so grateful to learn about Living Room Conversations and the work y’all are doing.
Becca Kearl: Thank you for having me.
